


More Heaven than Hell

by orphan_account



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F, Flashbacks, I don't know what I'm doing, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-06-29
Updated: 2017-07-05
Packaged: 2018-11-21 05:40:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 8,376
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11351028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: The story of how Kara and Lena met and became friends, and then something else entirely.





	1. Chapter 1

Xxx

Two Years Ago 

Lena Luthor hated the rain. She hated the way it slid down her skin like cold fingers. She hated the way it made her mascara run and flattened out the hair she spent hours trying to tame every morning. But most of all, she hated the way it made her feel.

“I can’t do this anymore Kara, I can’t.”

“Do what Lena? I don’t understand. What aren’t you telling me?”

Lena looked up from where she had been staring at the grey concrete, her eyes traveling up to take in the grey city streets and grey puffs of mist tumbling out from her shaking lips. She looked up into a world of grey and latched onto the only thing that was bright and alive and colorful around her—the only thing that had ever been bright in her universe— _Kara_.

She took a deep breath, sucking in the cold autumn air and realizing dully that she felt so frozen inside already that the sharp snap of the November breeze didn’t even faze her.

“I am telling you. I’m telling you everything, but you won’t listen. I have to go.”

“No. Something is wrong Lena. I know you, I know us. We’re best friends remember. You’re hiding something.” Kara reached out to grab one of Lena’s hands, the CEO’s skin immediately thrumming at the contact.

But instead of leaning into the touch like she desperately wanted to, needed to, Lena grit her teeth and wrenched her hand away, hating herself for instantly missing the contact, hating herself for causing the look of confusion and hurt that spread across Kara’s face.

She closed her eyes and straightened her back. _It’s better this way_ her mind whispered again. And then she repeated over to herself her one rule, the one thing that she could never break: _It’s a mistake to need anyone._

Lena nodded almost imperceptibly and took a step back. When she opened her eyes again she found Kara, _Kara,_ her Kara, her best friend, her everything, staring at her with her blonde hair askew and her hands bunched into the knitted cat-sweater that Lena had gotten her last Christmas as a joke but which she wore around the house incessantly and which Lena knew smelled like vanilla and open skies and home.

_Not your home_ , she reminded herself firmly, _she was never yours, never will be._

“Don’t you want to stay with me?” Kara asked, trying to keep her voice even.

_Yes_. “No.”

“Did I do something?”

“Kara. This is ridiculous. I’m an adult. I can move out for god’s sake without there being some huge life-altering reason behind it. My new apartment is closer to work. It’s _nicer_. I don’t see why that’s such an odd thing to want.”

“It’s a one bedroom. And you didn’t answer my question.”

“Just let me go Kara.”

“No.”

“Kara—”

“You don’t get to do this. You don’t get to shut me out and leave just because it’s easy. I won’t let you.” Kara lifted her chin in that look of stubbornness that Lena loved more than anything and she knew (because she knew each and every one of Kara’s ticks) that it meant the blonde wouldn’t stop fighting, wouldn’t stop offering all her love and support to her friend. It meant she would take the brunt of all Lena’s anger and hurt and carry it herself if it meant she could fix Lena.

Lena sighed. And she knew she’d never hated herself and the rain and this whole city more than she did right now for what she was about to say. “I never wanted to be here.”

“What? In National City?”

“No, here” Lena gestured between the two of them. “With you. Living here, it was a mistake.”

“Oh.”

“We only ever moved in together because of that stupid court case and now that that’s over I think we’re both better off alone.”

“But we’re best friends. Desperados. I don’t get how we’re supposed to be better alone.” Kara said softly, looking up at Lena as if she hoped their inside joke might melt the steel set of her features.

“We just are. Kara, for once listen to me. I have to go, ok. It’s better this way.”

“Why though Lena. If it’s about what happened with Mike—”

“It’s not about Mike.”

“So it is just me then.”

Lena was quite. _Of course it’s about you,_ her mind screamed _, its always been about you. Don’t you get it? Don’t you get how hard this is? I need you. I’ve needed you from the moment we first met and its cutting me into shreds to be near you and not have you_. _I need you I need you I need you_ her brain screamed in helpless, repeated pain.

Kara eyes flickered over Lena’s face in the silence, bewilderedly searching for something, as if she could find some clue that would make everything fall into place and let her understand. She made to move in closer to Lena, but stopped when she saw how the CEO flinched at her proximity.

“Lena…please, I know things have been hard recently but don’t do this. I love you,” she whispered.

Lena’s heart stuttered and pounded for a second before the CEO reminded herself that it wasn’t the same, that Kara didn’t, could never and would never think of her like she thought of the blonde and her pulse picked up its familiar, agonizing beat once again.

_Love is weakness._

“I don’t want to live with you anymore Kara.”

Kara gave a short, sharp laugh. “I’m really that bad huh? Guess I just couldn’t live up to the Luthor family legacy.”

“We’re too different Kara. You leave clothes everywhere and your rent is always late and I don’t even think you know how to use the dishwasher. I’m a Luthor, I can’t be who I’m supposed to be if I have to pretend all the time.”

“So that’s all this was? You pretending.”

“Yes.”

“Lena—”

Lena felt the rain run in rivers down the back of her neck. She felt it glide between her shirt and jacket and leave a sticky, wet trail over her spine. She felt it mist against her lips as she opened them one last time, to tell Kara one last lie.

She hated the rain.

“It wasn’t worth it Kara. You aren’t worth it. I’m better off alone.”

There was a heartbeat’s pause before Lena’s words sunk in, and the CEO watched in silent horror as Kara seemed to shrink into herself, growing more small and fragile than Lena had ever seen the bubbly young reporter before in her life. Every instinct in Lena’s body screamed to rush forward, to hold Kara against her and whisper that it was a lie, it was all lies, everything for the past three years had all been a lie because somehow Lena had fallen for her best friend and she could never, ever let Kara know it.

But instead Lena stood there, arms hanging limply by her side, streams of water pouring over her head, watching as pain stole itself into Kara’s blue eyes—the eyes that Lena spent days thinking about, getting lost in, memorizing every fleck of gold and speckle of grey in—those eyes clouded with agony for the first time ever and Lena could only watch as Kara hugged her arms around her chest tighter as if she was trying to hold all her shattered pieces inside her.

“Ok.”

_NO_! _Not ok_! Lena’s mind cried, _Don’t let me do this, don’t let me push you away. You always saved me_.

But then, because she knew Kara, because she knew she was doing the right thing for both of them, because she knew her best friend was loyal and strong and kind to a fault, and because she knew she’d never give up, not really, and because for the first time in three years no one was there to save her from herself, Lena did the unthinkable. She broke Kara’s heart.

She gave a lopsided smile and said, “Yah, well. Goodbye Kara. I’ll see you around” like she didn’t care at all, like this was the easiest decision in the world.

Lena turned and spun on her heels, leaving before Kara could see the smirk plastered on her face—the smirk that felt like it was twisting her insides into something black and bloody—fall away and leave a face so wracked by tears not even the rain could hide their slow progress down her cheeks.

Her heels clicked over the cement, each step loud as a gunshot in Lena’s ears.

_I need you_ she thought as she rounded the block without looking back.

_I need you_ she cried when she opened the truck door.

“I need you,” she whispered when she slid down onto the cold hardwood floor of her new, empty apartment, in a place that was home and yet didn’t feel anything like home anymore.

xxx

Three Years Ago

Lena was good at hiding how she felt. From her mother, from her boss, from herself, but especially from Kara. Always from Kara.

“Ok. So do you think the blue one or the green one? Because honestly I’m leaning a little bit more towards the green. It’s so calm but its got a fire to it you know? Like underneath all that steal there’s an ocean.”

“Oh my god. It’s a curtain Kara, not a Monet. Just pick one.”

Kara narrowed her eyes. “Its not _just_ a curtain. It’s _the_ curtain. As in the first thing we’re buying for the apartment. Its important.”

Lena looked up from where she had been casually toying with a spring on her sunglasses, her back ramrod straight as she took in the second hand furniture store they’d wandered into earlier that day because Kara had insisted that ‘a house isn’t a home until you’ve decorated it.’

“We’ve been here for two hours Kara.”

“So?”

“So it’s my day off, I’d like to, you know, enjoy it.”

“Please. Like reading those awful Scientific American journals is anyone’s idea of enjoying their day off. I’m doing you a favor.”

Lena glanced at the mountains of moth-eaten and water stained furniture around them. The store was called “Ottoman Empire” and it was just as awful as its name promised. Lena wasn’t exactly sure how Kara had even managed to find the place from where it sat, squat and shabby, in between two insurance company buildings—but then again, her roommate was always surprising Lena.

“They’re not Scientific American. They’re peer reviewed articles from Tesla.”

“You know you just made that worse right?”

“Hey now. I didn’t hear you complaining about them when I fixed your computer the other week.”

“Ugh. Are you ever going to drop that?”

“No, never. I was a god of technology and you know it.”

Kara smiled, her face lighting up the way it always did when Lena’s stern façade broke for a minute. “Are you serious, a technology god?

“Yes.”

“More like a tech geek.” Kara leaned over and gave Lena a playful push, and if her hands left Lena’s skin buzzing the CEO ignored it.

“A tech geek who is seriously bored.”

“This again? I thought we’d established that you were having a wonderful time.”

Lena rolled her eyes but couldn’t quite hide the small, soft smile that tugged at one corner of her lips. Because, as always when she was with Kara, she _was_ having a good time. She looked over at her best friend who was staring intently at the two patterns of curtains like her life depended on it, and even though Lena hated interior design and couldn’t stand to be in a store for more than five minuets and was awful at decorating spaces, she knew there was nowhere else she’d rather be right now.

“Why don’t we just buy both and see what one looks better in the apartment?”

“Because we’re poor Lena. Obviously.”

Lena gave a dramatic huff and moved over to where Kara was standing. Their shoulders brushed against each other lightly and Lena fought the urge to move a little closer to Kara, to make the distance between them a little less. But then again, she was always fighting against that, against wanting something she shouldn’t from Kara.

“Too true. Alright then, since we can only do one, pros and cons of each?” Lena asked, keeping her voice light, like they were just two friends shopping for furniture, like her heart wasn’t beating erratically, like everything was fine.

If nothing else, Lena was good at hiding her feelings.

“So the blue one would go well with the view you know, what with the river and everything that we can almost see from the window in your room, but the green one. I don’t know, I like it because it wouldn’t go at all. It would be a statement.” Kara frowned, a small crinkle forming between her eyebrows.

Lena stood quietly and watched her, knowing she should stop, that it was probably creepy and definitely wrong to stare at a friend this way, but she couldn’t yank herself away, not yet.

As if she could feel her stare, Kara looked up suddenly and flashed a smile, her blue eyes glowing and soft and mesmerizing. And despite all her careful walls, Lena was suddenly, hopelessly, drowning in a sea of blue.

“So which one?”

“The-the blue one,” Lena choked, licking her lips.

And then sometimes, Lena couldn’t hide how she was feeling at all.

Years later, Lena would think about that day, about the blue curtain that they’d break the window sill trying to hang up, about the burn mark it would acquire one day after work when Kara tried to straighten her hair and eat popcorn and watch TV all at the same time, about the afternoon she found Kara using it as a tissue as she buried her face in the fabric and screamed tears into it, and Lena would wonder if she would wonder where it all went wrong.

 


	2. Chapter 2

Xxx

Present 

She got the phone call at 3 in the morning. That’s how she knew it was bad, really bad.

“Mrs. Luthor?”

“Yes?” Her voice was crisp and sharp. Adrenaline wiping away any traces of sleep almost instantly.

“Its Detective Sawyer…” there was a pause and then a long sigh, “Maggie, its Maggie.”

“What’s wrong,” Lena practically barked, not bothering to question why Maggie, Maggie who she’d played cards with and carried home from the bar and spent a night giggling in a club bathroom as they scribbled dirty jokes on the stall walls to annoy Alex with would call her by her last name. Why Maggie, who was supposed to be her friend, who Lena had once almost thought of as family ( _a mistake to need anyone_ her mind chimed in as always, _love is weakness_ ), couldn’t bear to say her first name anymore.

“There was an accident. I… J’onn’s in the ICU. He’s in a coma, it doesn’t look good.”

“What hospital?”

“Third General, you don’t have to come. He’d understand.”

“I’ll be there first flight out.”

“If you don’t want—”

“I’m coming.” Lena said with a note of finality before slamming the receiver down and heading out the door.

Xxx

The first thing she thought when she got off the plane and saw the familiar skyline and smelled the crisp, blue air of National City was _Fuck_. Quickly followed by, _Two years wasn’t long enough_.

The first thing she thought when she walked into the hospital, past the bleary eyed nurses and family members camped out in hallways with unshed tears barely concealed behind glassy eyes and into John’s room with its array of blinking lights and plastic tubing was _Fuck. Two years was way too long_.

“Hey J’onn,” she whispered quietly, dropping her overnight bag onto the floor and immediately despising herself for the way her voice wavered and the fact that she needed to say anything at all to a man who was in a coma and clearly, _clearly_ couldn’t hear her.

“You’re not allowed to be in here.” A nasally voice said from somewhere behind her.

Lena raised her eyes from where they had been drinking in the miles of wires and hoses and medical equipment snaking its way through J’onn and turned around to see one of the hospital nurses tapping her feet over the blue and white tile and staring at her worriedly.

“Only family has visiting rights in the Emergency Wards.”

“Its fine Annie, Lena’s cool.”

“But Mrs. Sawyer—”

Maggie stood up from the chair in the far corner she had been sleeping in, so slumped over Lena hadn’t even noticed her at first and threw her hands up in the air. “Jesus Christ Annie, don’t call me that. Its either Maggie or Detective Sawyer. And Lena’s fine, I asked her here.”

The nurse gave Lena a long look. “I’ve never heard any of you mention her before...”

“Well no. You wouldn’t. Lena’s an insufferable ass and we don’t talk about her if we can help it. Goes right to her head otherwise.”

“Thanks.”

Maggie grinned and shrugged and motioned to a chair next to her. Lena shook her head. “How have you been?”

“Fine. Work is work.”

“That’s not what I meant Lena.”

Lena ran a hand through her hair. “Are you asking because you actually care or because you don’t know what to say?”

“Does it matter?”

“No. I guess not. Though I suppose that’s sort of an answer too.”

She moved away from Maggie and over to where J’onn was sleeping, the steady beeping of the machine next to him letting her know he was still there, still alive. She paused at the foot of his bed, straining her eyes to see in the unlit room. She liked the sound of the heart rate monitor, steady, soft, reassuring. _He’s still here,_ it seemed to say, _he hasn’t given up yet_.

The room settled into a strained hush, Lena watching J’onn, Maggie watching Lena, the nurses in the station outside watching them all.

“I thought you said he was in an accident?” Lena said quietly, not turning to look at Maggie. “I don’t see any bruises or cuts or anything that looks accidental.”

“Um…well. It wasn’t completely an accident, though he was driving when it happened so he’s lucky he didn’t do more than crash his car into a ditch.”

Lena suddenly felt dizzy. She put a hand up to her temple. _It wasn’t an accident? That would mean…?_

“He was sick? Wait. J’onn was sick and _you knew_?” she said, her voice getting colder and colder with each word spit out. “You knew there was something wrong, something life threating and you didn’t tell me? What is it? There are only a handful of non-traumatic things that could cause a coma.”

Maggie shifted uncomfortably in her chair. “It’s a tumor. Stage three cancer, he knew about a year ago, but he didn’t tell any of us until a few months back.”

“So for months you’ve known that J’onn is dying and, what? You didn’t have time to clue me in on that?” She spun around and hissed, her voice flat and deadly as an iron dagger.

“No…Lena. I wanted to say something, but J’onn, he asked us not to tell you.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know, Christ Lena, its been what, two years? I don’t know you anymore, J’onn was the only one you ever even bothered to keep in contact with and even then you’d only ever call him once in a blue moon.”

“Screw you.”

Maggie slumped, suddenly deflated, and Lena felt a pang of guilt as she took in the dark circles under her eyes and realized how exhausted the other girl looked.

_She’s probably been up all night for the past three days_ Lena thought with a wince. But she lifted her chin and refused to break eye contact with the disheveled girl, holding her ground.

“You know why he didn’t tell you” Maggie finally muttered, looking away and sinking into her chair. She rubbed her hand over her eyebrows.

“No I don’t. You said it yourself, it’s been two years. I’m fine.”

“Right. Because moving across the country without a word to anyone and avoiding everything that reminds you of _her_ is the definition of fine.”

“You have no idea why I did what I did, why I do what I do, ok? _I’m fine_. It has nothing to do with her, or anyone else for that matter. It never did. So don’t sit there and preach at me.”

Maggie shook her head. “No Lena, you’re wrong. Lie to yourself all you want, but you didn’t leave because you felt trapped or lost or whatever bullshit you eventually told Kara. I know it, you know it, and J’onn knew it. That’s why he didn’t tell you about this,” she waved a hand slowly through the air, indicating the hospital room, “I don’t think he wanted you to associate anymore pain with this place.”

“I don’t need you or J’onn or anyone else for that matter psycho-analyzing me or trying to protect me. I can take care of myself.”

“He was just looking out for you Lena. You more than anyone should know that sometimes we have to lie to protect the people we love the most.”

Lena opened her mouth and then thought better of it, snapping her teeth together quickly. She felt all her anger suddenly whoosh out of her, exhaustion and an overwhelming need to escape into some fresh air replacing it. “That doesn’t make this better,” she said in a small voice.

Maggie gave her a sad, understanding look, “no, no it doesn’t.”

Lena sighed before squaring her shoulders. “Fine. I’m going to grab a coffee, want one?”

“Yah, actually. That would be really, really great.”

Lena nodded and turned from Maggie’s wary smile to the door, desperate for some space from all the memories threating to crush in on her that their conversation had provoked.

_You’re fine_ , she told herself sternly, repeating the words she’d told Maggie and willing herself to believe them. _It’s been two years, you’ve moved on and you’re fine_.

She took a steading breath and marched out of the room confidently.

_You’re fine_ , she repeated again, feeling the blood return to her cheeks and her heart slow down with each step she took away from J’onn’s room.

And she _was_ fine. Absolutely, unequivocally _fine._ She was over it, she really was.

Lena’s phone buzzed in her hand and she glanced down at it, making sure it wasn’t anything too critical and that her business was still surviving without her.

She wasn’t paying attention.

It was just another day.

She didn’t think she’d run into anyone.

She didn’t expect anything extraordinary to happen.

But then there was a sudden splash of hot tea spilling down Lena’s shirt and the soft feeling of arms wrapping around her to steady her before Lena’s brain registered four things:

One: The woman she’d just bumped into was wearing the same perfume Kara Danvers used to wear.

Two: The soft voice that rambled out “I’m sorry, I’m so, so sorry” was achingly familiar and sent a wave of pain and longing through Lena’s entire body.

Three: The person whom Lena had just bumped into, whose arms were still locked around her waist and shoulders and who was still mumbling apologies as fast as she could _was_ Kara Danvers

   And four: Lena Luthor was no longer fine.

 


	3. Chapter 3

Five years ago 

The first time they met was on the subway.

Kara was running late for work. Again.

She knew she was in trouble when her phone kept ringing off the hook and her email had all but exploded in some dark technological equivalent of the apocalypse from unread messages.

She really knew she was in trouble when she pulled the vibrating device out from her purse and saw the caller ID.

“Here we go again,” she mumbled as she awkwardly flipped the device on, dropping the stack of papers she had been clutching under her arms with a loud thud.

“Sorry, sorry” she grunted as she bent over awkwardly to fish the scattered papers from the dirty metal floors.

“Alex! Hey! What a supris—”

“You’re late.”

“Well good morning to you too grouchy pants.”

“I am not grouchy Kara.”

“You’re like 98% grouchy. Maybe even 100%. Honestly, sometimes its hard to tell.”

“That doesn’t change that fact that you’re still late. And you’ve been ignoring my calls.”

“Wow. Never mind, definitely 100% grouch this morning. How does Maggie live with you?”

“Obviously she loves me and my personality.”

“Yah I know. I tried to tell her you were just weird and angry all the time but she wouldn’t listen, kept going on and on about how you were a keeper. Made me a little nauseous.”

“Oh my god, Kara sometimes you are such a child. I don’t know why I ever let mom talk me into letting you work under me.”

“Is that anyway to speak to your favorite sister?”

“You’re my only sister.”

“Don’t try and downplay this Alex, its not good to bottle up your emotions.”

There was an audible sigh from Alex and Kara fought to hide her grin as she got down on her knees to snatch the remaining bits of files from underneath the seats, ignoring the annoyed rumbles of the other passengers and the suspicious wads of subway goo hiding under the chairs.

“Hey lady.” A man scowled at her, “Why don’t you just leave them and give us all a break? Unless you like being on your knees for a living.”

Kara glared up at the man who had addressed her, eyes narrowing.

“Who was that?” Alex demanded in her ear, stopping mid tirade. “Leave what? Kara _what did you do_?”

Kara locked eyes with the man even as her hand blindly fished under a nearby seat for another document. “Its nothing Alex, just some National City idiot who thinks _Moby Dick_ is a venereal disease.”

There was a snort of laughter from the surrounding passengers before the man shuffled off, his ears tinged red and mumbling something that sounded suspiciously like “isn’t it?”

“Kara. Kara!”

Kara raised her eyebrows and held her phone a few inches away from her ear. “what?”

“Are you telling me you’re on the subway? As in you haven’t even gotten to the office yet?”

“Well I mean, _I’m_ not telling you that, but yes, I think that’s a reasonable thing to infer given the circumstances.”

“If you think this is ok—”

“I got you your favorite coffee”

“….The triple shot one from downtown with cinnamon and vanilla?”

“Yes”

“…Fine. Be here in ten. I love you.”

“Love you too sis, see you soon.”

She grinned as she hung up the phone, smile so wide it was practically its own sun. A few fellow passengers grinned back at her, taken in by the sheer warmth emanating from the young blonde, everyone seeming to enjoy their morning commute for the first time in years.

Everyone that is, except for one passenger sitting directly across from where Kara was still pawing at the ground for the loose files.

“Gotcha, ya tricky little thing” Kara hooted as she seized the last piece of paper that had been floating precariously close to a wad of used gum and Kara didn’t even want to know what under the nearest seat.

And even though she knew she was in trouble when she flipped through the pages absentmindedly and saw they were covered in coke and gunk and that Alex would kill her when she got in the office, she still glanced up in triumph, file squeezed between her fist like a life line, dimples practically exploding with delight, and made eye contact with the dark haired woman sitting in the seat above her.

Kara gave a sheepish shrug as she realized she had practically jumped into the woman’s lap to grab the document, and she waved the paper in her hand in an apologetic explanation.

The woman tilted her head and stared down over her sunglasses at Kara with a pair of burning green eyes.

Kara froze, document still crumpled in her hand, glasses askew, lips parted slightly.

The subway car seemed to disappear, the hot, thick smell of the passengers next to her and the press of their bodies against her own vanishing, even the aftertaste of her morning coffee seemed to evaporate, leaving nothing behind expect the sight of those green eyes, burning and hard and beautiful, and the sound of Kara’s heartbeat roaring over the noise of the subway car.

Kara opened her mouth to say something, but nothing came out. Her brain was short-circuiting and all she seemed capable of thinking was _green, green, green._

But, the woman seemed unaffected by whatever was turning the blonde’s brain inside out. She stared at Kara for a second longer, expression blank and un-amused, before turning back to her book as if she had never seen the young blonde at all.

_Fuck. That was so weird, I’m so weird. Why do I have to be so weird?_

Kara scrambled up and got off at the next stop even though it wasn’t hers, even though it would mean an extra ten minute walk on her already over-loaded schedule. She tripped over the stairs by the exit, her face still red but desperate to escape the tight rubber band feeling squeezing around her chest.

As she bolted down the street, her heart seemed to thud an endless rhythm: _green, green, green_.

And maybe if she hadn’t been so late for work, if she hadn’t been so frazzled by her extra strong Americano that morning, if she hadn’t been bombarded by a ridiculous amount of emails, she would’ve wondered if those green eyes had put her in the most she’d ever been in.

xxx

The second time they met it was on 3rd street. It was exactly the kind of cold, miserable day you would expect from a November afternoon. Waterfalls of thick, slushy rain were pouring down onto the streets and into raincoats as people rushed from the safety of their cars to awnings and warm offices.

Kara was exhausted. Her feet were like lead, they splashed through oily puddles and slick potholes without care, her hands limp and numb inside her pockets as she trudged her way home.

She wasn’t watching where she was going.

It was just another day.

She didn’t expect to run into anyone.

She didn’t expect anything extraordinary to happen.

But then, just as Kara rounded the corner on the street, her eyes watching the little clouds of smoke puffing up from her labored breath, there was a sudden soft thud and a splash of something warm soaking down her front before Kara’s body pressed firmly into whoever she had just collided with and she felt the sudden, stomach wrenching sensation of free fall as they both tumbled to the sidewalk.

The stranger’s arms instinctively wrapped themselves around Kara, trying to find balance and offer some sort of cushioning as they plummeted to the ground.

“Oof.” Came a muffled grunt as they landed in a tangled mess on the concrete.

Kara struggled to push herself up and pull her arms out from underneath whoever it was that was pinned beneath her, the blonde only managing to somehow tangle herself up further.

After a few seconds of useless failing, she frowned and gave an annoyed huff. Whoever it was that she’d run into was being completely unhelpful, they were laying absolutely still and hadn’t done a thing to help.

With a loud grunt that she hoped the woman beneath her heard, Kara somehow managed to raise herself up high enough to look down at whoever it was that was clearly incapable of lifting a finger to help.

And then, everything stopped except for one thought:

 _Green_.

Kara’s breath caught, her gaze boring into the familiar pair of eyes that were starring back at her with a fire that gave her goose bumps.

“Wow….Oh gosh, um, no, no, no that’s so weird to say. I’m weird. Ok, yah. Forget I said that. We’ll just start over. Uh let’s see, umm, does it always hurt this bad when you fall from heaven?”

The woman stared back at Kara for a beat, her lips tugging down at one corner, a frown burrowing itself between her eyebrows. “Did you just use a pick up line after running me into the ground?”

“…Yah. I did. That was stupid. Aaaand now this is awkward. Definitely, definitely, awkward,” Kara stammered, taken aback by the women’s low, throaty voice.

“Now that you’ve said it, yes. It really is.”

Kara gave a dazed smile, unsure of whether the woman was teasing or not.

“I can’t feel my arm?” the other girl offered, still pinned beneath Kara, her green eyes smoldering with that strange flicker Kara couldn’t seem to grasp.

“Oh. Yah, that’s yah. Here let me just…”

There was a sudden hiss “That is not helping”

Kara pulled back her hand from where it had grazed the other woman’s chest and turned bright red. “Oh god.”

“Are you always this clumsy or is this just my lucky day?”

“No. I mean yes. Yes. I am _always_ this much of a nerd.”

“Who said nerd? That’s an affront to nerds everywhere. I said clumsy. Completely different ballparks.”

Kara tilted her head, unsure if she should be offended or not, but then she saw the way the other woman ducked her head a little to hide the small smile threating to spill out from behind her reserved façade.

“Takes one to know one.”

“Ah. The proverbial comeback of all middle-schoolers. I see your maturity level is on par with your walking abilities.”

“Please. I can walk just fine. _You_ ran into me.”

“Right. And hell has frozen over and there’s no such thing as global warming.”

“Why do I feel like you’re being sarcastic?”

“Can’t imagine where you’re getting that from. But maybe we could…?” The other woman squirmed beneath her, clearly trying to get up.

Kara shook her head with a chuckle and finally managed to free herself and stand. She brushed her jacket off once quickly before turning to the dark haired woman and holding out her hand. “I’m Kara, nice to meet you” she said, all dimples and sunshine.

And if she knew she had been in trouble the day before, if all of Alex’s warnings, and the long lectures from John at work, and the messy files covered in gunk and dirt from the subway hadn’t tipped her off, the look in those green eyes as the other woman grabbed Kara’s fingers lightly between her own, the look that was somehow burning and passionate and innocent but so, so reserved, knocked Kara off her feet and sent her mind reeling.

“Lena.”

And that’s when Kara knew that she was really, truly, in trouble.


	4. Chapter 4

Present

The tea was burning against her skin, soaking through her shirt, dripping down her jeans, leaving tiny, blistering trails of red down her collarbone. But Lena couldn’t feel any of that, couldn’t feel anything besides the pair of soft, warm arms still wrapped around her and the slow, pooling sensation sneaking its way through her body and submerging her in a past she thought she was long over.

_Kara was here._

_Kara was in front of her and around her and everywhere, and everything was suddenly about her again and Lena was drinking her in as if she had been starving for centuries_.

“Wow,” Lena breathed, struggling to keep her face blank and reel in everything she was feeling.

Kara stepped back as if she was burned.

She dropped her arms.

She swallowed thickly.

Her eyes were dazed, unfocused, she shook her head, ran a trembling hand over her temple, pushing a strand of blonde hair back. She stared at Lena like she was seeing a ghost, and as the seconds ticked by without either one of them saying anything, Lena felt herself grow nervous.

“Well this is awkward,” she finally offered.

It was the wrong thing to say.

Kara’s gaze snapped to hers, and Lena’s breath caught. She had never seen anything so raging, so full of fury before in her life. And the safe, hopeful sensation that had been bubbling up in her chest ever since she realized it was Kara, her Kara, who had run into her disappeared entirely and was replaced by a thousand microscopic shards of ice digging their way to her center.

Lena lifted her chin and refused to let anyone see how see was crumbling and bleeding out under the weight of Kara’s hate. “I’m sorry,” she said in her most calm businesslike voice, her hands only trembling slightly as she picked up Kara’s tea mug from the ground and held it out to her, “I had to see J’onn. I had no idea he was sick, I’ll be staying until the 18th or until he’s—”

“Fuck you” Kara heaved, her chest rising and falling in deep, strangled gasps, knocking the cup out of Lena’s hands like it was poison.

Lena froze, the tightness in her chest making it hard to breathe, hard to think.

Kara stepped forward, her nostrils flared, mouth set in a tight line, pupils blown wide with so much disgust, Lena had to struggle to maintain eye contact, but she did, because she had to, because she deserved to.

“Fuck you.” Kara hissed “Don’t ever come near me again. I hate you.”

There was a sudden sharp slap across Lena’s cheek and the sound of receding footsteps as Kara flung herself down the hallway away, away, away, from Lena.

Lena put her hand up to her face, feeling the red, burning spot just above her mouth, and for the first time in years, she let her walls crumble.

She took a long, shaky, shattered breath and felt something wet glide down over her fingers.

It had been two years. Two years of battling against everything thing that she was. And Lena let out a bitter laugh that caused several RN’s heads to turn.

It might as well have been two days.

 

Xxx

They spent the next two weeks avoiding each other.

Lena made sure to time her visits at mid-day when she knew Kara had to be at work or late, late at night when no one else was around to hear her muffled confessions to J’onn or see the way she went through work related calls on auto pilot, the back of her mind always somewhere else, lost in thought and returning time after time to an image of burning blue eyes.

After three weeks, it began to tell. Jess commented distastefully on her lack of focus after one particularly long conference call, and there were fist sized dark circles under her eyes.

“Jesus fucking Christ Lena. Its 3 Am. This is unhealthy.” Maggie quipped as she walked into the hospital room one night, chucking a bag of chips at Lena’s head. “Why are you even up?”

“I could ask the same of you. 3 am is 3 am.”

“I’m a detective remember? Night shifts are just a part of the glory.”

“Mmhhhm, do you use that line on Alex?”

“No. I just say ‘hey babe’ in that incredibly sexy, charming way of mine and she practically melts.”

“God it must be hard to be you.”

“Its absolutely terrible. Having a gift with women is a curse, I promise you.” Maggie paused for a second, the cocky grin slipping off her face as she fiddled with her own bag of chips. “Something I sense you’re struggling with?”

“My love life is as vibrant as ever” Lena said dryly, deliberately readjusting her chair to face J’onn more fully and move herself out of Maggie’s line of sight.

“That’s not what I meant, Kara said—”

“Kara mentioned me?”

“Unless, ‘why didn’t you tell me she was here’ and ‘I’d rather die than talk to her again’ count, no not at all.”

Lena was quite for a moment, listening to the faithful beep, beep, beep of J’onn’s heart rate machine, trying to keep her thoughts away from the slow, grinding pain gnawing at her insides.

When it became clear she wasn’t going to say anything, Maggie continued, “You should talk to her.”

“I’m giving her space.”

“Space is kinda like deep fried Twinkies—good in theory, but a really, really bad idea to have too much of.”

“My life isn’t some food analogy Maggie.”

“I know but Kara misses you, if you would just—”

“She said she hated me.”

“She probably didn’t mean—”

“She told me to fuck off.”

“That’s not so bad—”

“She slapped me.”

“Oh….That’s kinda bad”

“Yah, no shit. Look Kara doesn’t want to have anything to do with me and that’s fine. It doesn’t bother me. If that’s what she wants then I’ll do it.”

Maggie shook her head as she stood up and adjusted a blanket over J’onn’s chest. “I know,” she said softly, “You always did.”

Lena pretended she didn’t hear.

Xxx

Four years ago

“Why aren’t you more excited? Leeennna. It’s Christmas, Christmas is like the most important day ever. And it’s going to be perfect this year, I just know it. You get to meet my mom and Winn and James and Alex and Maggie and J’onn and Mike and everyone will all be there and you’re going to have so much fun and—”

“Kara, Kara slow down. I’m excited ok? And it’s not even Christmas yet, there’s still a week to go.” Lena gulped down the frosty air, trying to quell the queasiness in her stomach. It wasn’t that she didn’t like Christmas, but the idea of a family Christmas, of a family Christmas _party_ was causing her head to spin in anxious ripples. Truthfully, she wanted nothing more than to head back to her apartment and grab a glass of really, really spiked eggnog and watch some silly old movie before bed like she did every year.

As if she could read her mind Kara stopped suddenly, her feet glued to the cement. “If you think you can get away with sneaking out early to watch that awful flick this year you have another thing coming.”

“It’s a classic.”

“So you admit it! And no, Lena no, A Princess for Christmas will never be a classic no matter how big a crush you have on the main actress.”

“It’s not a crush, she’s just very talented.”

“Please. And I like to watch Keeping up with the Kardashians for their sparkling wit.” But then Kara suddenly shifted closer, her blue eyes round and big and gentle, and Lena’s brain seemed to stop working even as her heart moved into overdrive.

“Is it my sister? I know she can be a little intense, but she’ll come around eventually. She hated Mike at first.”

Lena gulped and shifted uncomfortably “I’ve known her longer.”

“You just don’t let people see your soft side Lena, that’s all. If you were like the way you were with me around her she’d get it.”

“And how am I with you?”

“A shameless pushover.”

“Psh. I am not a pushover.”

“No? This coming from the girl who cried when she saw the Facebook video of the cat that was rescued from the gutter.”

“It had really good editing. I was just impressed by the sheer talent you can find on the internet these days.”

But instead of laughing like she was expecting (hoping her to, _and oh god, when did she get so addicted to the sound of her laughter_?) Kara merely stopped and stared at Lena intently for a second.

“Lena. I know something’s bothering you. You can talk to me.”

She sighed and closed her eyes, partly to block out the sight of Kara’s lips that were pressed firmly together and entirely too distracting and partly because Lena hated talking about her feelings, hated appearing weak.

“It’s nothing Kara. Really, let’s just go, we’re going to be late.”

But Kara didn’t budge, her eyebrows lowered in concentration as Lena stalked off a few feet only to have to turn around a moment later when she realized the blonde wasn’t following.

“Kara, it’s cold and I—”

“You’re nervous aren’t you,” she said quietly, “Its because of your family right?” and Lena backed away, walls up, unwilling to go there, to talk about _that_. But then Kara threaded her fingers through Lena’s own and somehow she couldn’t move away anymore, _didn’t want to move away_ , even if it meant having to discuss everything that was hard and painful and wrong in her world.

“Yes.” She said simply, unable to meet Kara’s eyes.

“Hey, look at me,” and Kara placed a finger under her chin, lifting Lena’s face carefully until they were looking into each other’s eyes.

_Fuck. Too close too close too close_! Her mind cried, but Lena ignored it. And she tried to squash the thought that this is what lovers did right before a kiss, that this was the kind of action you saw on TV right before too characters moved in, that if she tilted her head just a little to one side and shuffled her feet just a little closer they could— _NO_!

She blinked.

“You don’t have to do this” Kara smiled quietly, dropping her hand from Lena’s face as if it hadn’t just been tearing its way through Lena. “If you’re uncomfortable then we can go back to the apartment, make some hot chocolate and eat that sketchy looking pound cake J’onn made.”

“Kara.” She gulped, gave a weak grin, “I would never eat that pound cake, even for you.” _Liar. You’d do anything she asked._

“Don’t deflect. If you don’t want to do this then we wont.”

“But you haven’t seen your family in ages Kara. This isn’t just another dinner, this is the first time in years everyone you love will be under the same roof.”

“Not if you’re not there.”

Lena’s heart skyrocketed and she felt sweat break out on her forehead.

_Its not the same, don’t ever think it’s the same. She doesn’t mean it like that. She has no idea what that means to you. Love is weakness._

“No. I—I’ll be fine. Really, I promise. This is important to you, and I’m excited—I swear,” she said through numb lips.

Kara searched her face for a moment longer before pulling Lena into a tight hug, and whispering so quietly, “You’re an amazing friend Lena, thank you,” that Lena almost didn’t hear it over the roar of her own heartbeat.

_Friends._ She repeated to herself later that night when Kara placed a pair of silly felt reindeer antlers on her head, and her body brushed against Lena’s softly and sent a wave of perfume into her lungs.

_Friends_ , she reminded herself when she pretended not to see Kara kiss frosting off of Mike’s cheek when they decorated cookies.

_Friends_ she said mechanically when Maggie gave her sympathetic looks across the room and told her in a drunken slur “you should tell her you know.”

_Friends_ she whispered later atht night, in her own bed when she stared up at the ceiling and hated herself for wishing things could be different and knowing they never would be.

Xxxx

Present

“I thought I made it clear I didn’t want to talk.”

“Its been a month Kara. We can’t ignore this forever.”

Kara turned from where she had been staring down at J’onn and looked over at Lena, and even in the darkness Lena could practically feel the waves of anger rolling off her.

“We? No. There is no we. There has never been a we. There is a you, a you and all your selfish bullshit, but that’s about it. So why don’t you do us both a favor and leave?”

“Kara. You’re being unreasonable. I have just as much a right to see J’onn as you.”

“You left him and ignored him just like you did everyone else who you thought was holding you back. So no. You really don’t.”

Lena was silent. She knew she could speak up, say something, anything to defend herself but suddenly her body felt crippled by exhaustion and she didn’t have the strength to lie to Kara tonight.

Instead she took a few steps into the room and stood above J’onn, ignoring Kara’s scathing glare from where she was standing across the room. She picked up his hand, feeling the way it was cold and fragile in her hands, and she fought off the urge to shudder because this thing, this body draped in sheets and held together by tubes and wires and a million small scale medical miracles was not J’onn, not the man who had always seemed so warm and strong. This was a shadow of bone and flesh. The real J’onn was already long gone.

Lena looked at the red fluid dripping into his veins via an IV. It seemed…inadequate. He didn’t have long left. Even before Lena heard the hushed whispers of “organ failure” and “hospice” Lena had known. There were some things that didn’t need a medical chart to be seen.

There were tears in Lena’s eyes, but her voice was steady as she said in a strong voice, “I’m sorry.” She didn’t lift her gaze from where it lingered on the small black hairs on J’onn’s arm, afraid of what she might see in Kara’s face if she did.

The words hung in the air, heavy and thick like they had a life of their own. Kara stared at her for a moment, expression unreadable before she gathered up her things and walked out without a word or a backwards glance at Lena.

There was a flutter in the heart rate machine, and the air seemed suddenly empty and cold. And this time when Lena repeated “I’m sorry,” in a gurgling whisper, the words didn’t sound alive anymore but like a elegy.

**Author's Note:**

> So i'm goofing off with my writing style, hopefully this isn't too hard to read. Not really expecting much out of it, but I'll probably keep posting for awhile because I want to see if I can pull off what I want to with this. I love comments (like to a shameless degree) so feel free to post some. As always this is one of the best fandoms, you all are amazing!


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